Monday, January 26, 2009


This past week I lost a very dear cousin of mine, Tony Pickering. He fought a long hard battle with cancer for nine years. Always keeping positive and believing he could win. . . and I guess he did win. Tony was a great artist in four mediums, charcoal, bronze, stone, clay. I don't believe his hands have really been stilled. He will go on creating. I know where he is and it gives me great comfort but he is going to be missed. Most of all he will be missed by his sweet wife Andrea. I know how much she will miss him, because I have buried a husband. It is hard. And it never goes away. The past few weeks I have done a lot of "remembering". Remembering my childhood and the way life was. Tony lived next door to my Grandma Dot. I called it the Pickering compound. Grandma and Grandpa Pickering lived on the other side of Grandma Dot. Uncle Mack and Aunt Lucy (Tony's parents) lived on the other side of Grandma. The Pickering family is very close even now. Cousins are cousins. Tony is my mother's first cousin, so it makes me a first cousin once removed from Tony. Tony's dad, Mack was my Grandma's little brother. The times were wonderful through my childhood eyes. Grandma and Grandpa Pickering, Grandma Dot. And Grandma Dot's brothers and sister, Uncle Wayne, Uncle Mack, Uncle Ferron, and Aunt Colleen and their children. They are actually my great uncles and aunts, but they are more to me and closer to me. I love them so much.
My son, Mathew sent me a message today and it says exactly how I feel today.
I want to share it with you. A Keeper
Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and hat and Mom in a housedress, lawnmover in one hand, and ish-towel in the other. It was the time for fixing things. A curtan rod, the ditchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep.
It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, eating, renewing,. I just wanted once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there would always be more.
But then my mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more.
Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away.... never to return. So.. . While we have it. . . it is best we love it. . . And care for it. . . And fix it when it is broken . . . And heal it when it is sick.
This is true. . . for marriages. . . and old cars. . . and children with bad report cards. . . dogs and cats with bad hips. . . and aging parents. . and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.
Some things we keep. Like a best friend that moved away or a classmate we grew up with.
There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special. . . and so we keep them close!
Stay close to those you love and care for. Life passes all too fast. We take the good and the bad, and cherish each moment we have.

Thursday, January 15, 2009


It is my party and I will cry if I want to! Yikes! Time is moving way too fast and I want it to slow down. I just turned another year older, and this one makes me older than dirt. But the alternative to another birthday is no birthday at all, and that is not good. . . I am happy to be alive and healthy, slow but still moving. I wish I had some great life philosophy to share with everyone but I don't. Just the same old saying that seem to be true. Enjoy each day as if it is your last. It could very easily be. Love more and more each day the ones that are the closest to you, because that can end in the blink of an eye. I know it has ended for me several times. And I did love more! Life is hard, it is meant to be that way. Nothing that is of value come easily. I have shed a river of tears, I have traveled many miles and I would do it all over again even knowing what was ahead of me. There are some regrets though. I will share them with you. And my wishes that have never come true. First, I wish I had never allowed Lloyd to transplant me to Tooele. Don't get me wrong, I love living in Tooele, I have wonderful friends that I otherwise would not have, I have had a great journey while living here, BUT, I wish I had never left Payson! I love Utah county, that is where my ancestors settled and that says alot. That is where extended family is and I miss them so much. I am getting older and so are they, things change, and I wish I had never left Payson, and I wish my Dad had not left and my brother. My only sibling lives 350 miles away from me. He might just as well live 3000 miles away. The distance is too great. I have missed out on so much by not living close to him and his family. Now time is running out and we will never live close again.
I regret not spending more time with my kids when they were little. Now isn't that the typical regret of most mothers. I wish I had not wanted them to grow up so fast. When Lloyd died all four of my children lived at home and my baby grandson Joel. I wish I had enjoyed that time more. But I was thrown into the path of grieving and I didn't enjoy that special time being so close to my kids and my grandchild. We all did our best. I regret that I am a worrier. It robs me of my peace of mind. I think I am a natural born worrier, I keep trying to not worry so much and just let things work out. But every once in a while I am caught in the web of worry. Some may think that I should have never married my second husband Jim. But you are wrong if you think that. I loved him and I still have a special place in my heart for him. I was taught so much in the years that I was with him. I wouldn't trade that journey for anything.
I am sorry I don't have 61 more years, so I could change some of the things I couldn't change in my first 61 years. Some things I wouldn't be able to change, it was part of the plan that God set. I guess it is just part of live, the older you get the more relationships mean to you and all the other things mean less.
I have decided in the next few posts I am going to share some of my most cherished memories. For my 61st birthday I am going have lunch with my life long best friend Vickie. My cousin Louise is going to join us. I am going to pamper myself. Have my hair cut, and have my nails done. I am going to spend the day doing what I want to do eat what I want, and just enjoy being 61. I won't cry for my party, I will celebrate a great life. I posted my regrets and my wishes, and now I will move on, smell the roses, breath the air, listen to good music, compliment myself, be kind to myself, and look for the humor. I am 61 and I am alive. . . . . . KL


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